it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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