also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
