Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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