well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
