I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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