I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
