I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
