Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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