And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
