So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
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I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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