You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
