Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
