We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
