It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
