i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Barsexuality is the new black.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
