Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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