A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
