I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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