I wish my penis had an off switch
I am midnight drunk by noon
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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