she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
