i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
