You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
