We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
as a side note pls kill me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
