so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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