hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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