my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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