Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
