We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
