sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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