Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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