he shaved USA in his pubs
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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