You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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