If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
