I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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