Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So much rum. So many feels.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
