his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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