I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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