Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
this is an emotional support booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize