If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
