Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i've created a new STD.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
