life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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