Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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