I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
