Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
