her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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