Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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