Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
