Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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