i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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