Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
