remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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