Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
