So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
