Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
