I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
