His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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