Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
