did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
