I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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