We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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