Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless