You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
